Track Insight / Lyrics
Hagrid voice: "You're a wizard, Harry..."
(chime chime chime)
...and your Wi-Fi is still terrible.
Eleven years old, got a letter in the mail
Thought it was a scam, nearly threw it in the pail
But the ink was green and the owl wouldn't leave
Now I'm standing in a castle that I can't believe
Got a wand, got a scar, got a destiny to face
Got a common room with absolutely zero bars
One single dot, and it's blinking like a curse
I'd trade the Elder Wand for one good search
Five bars in the Forbidden Forest
Zero bars in my dormitory bed
Hermione's like "Have you tried the restart?"
Ron's like "Mate, it's basically dead"
🎶 You're a wizard, Harry, but your Wi-Fi's trash
Loading up a spell and it's about to crash
Gryffindor to Slytherin, we're all the same
Buffering, buffering, screaming at the frame
You're a wizard, Harry, and it's still so bad
Best magic school that the world has ever had
But I'd trade my broomstick, I'd trade my fame
For one full signal and a password I could name! 🎶
Potions class is fine, Transfiguration's cool
But the router's in the dungeons like a stubborn old mule
Tried to send an owl, it flew back with a sigh
Said "attach it to a Howler, kid, and kiss your data goodbye"
Dumbledore's like "Harry, love is the greatest power"
I'm like "Cool, but can you fix this in the tower?"
Voldemort's defeated by the strength of my rage
'Cause I can't even stream the Quidditch Final page
Snape said "Obviously, Potter, you're a fool"
I said "Obviously, Professor, the signal's null"
He docked me fifty points, I didn't even care
I just wanted one bar anywhere
🎶 You're a wizard, Harry, but your Wi-Fi's trash
Loading up a spell and it's about to crash
Gryffindor to Slytherin, we're all the same
Buffering, buffering, screaming at the frame
You're a wizard, Harry, and it's still so bad
Best magic school that the world has ever had
But I'd trade my broomstick, I'd trade my fame
For one full signal and a password I could name! 🎶
(soft, piano + single guitar)
They gave me a map that shows me where everyone goes
But it can't show me why my router hates my soul
I saved the entire world, I faced the darkest night...
(drums kick in, distortion swells)
...
AND I STILL CAN'T LOAD A SINGLE WEBSITE!
🎶 You're a wizard, Harry, but your Wi-Fi's TRASH
Every single spell is gonna CRASH
Hufflepuff to Ravenclaw, we feel the pain
BUFFERING, BUFFERING, in the freezing rain
You're a wizard, Harry, and it's still SO BAD
Greatest magic school that the world has EVER had
I'd trade my Firebolt, I'd trade my NAME
FOR ONE FULL SIGNAL AND A PASSWORD I COULD NAME! 🎶
(Hagrid voice, distant)
"You're a wizard, Harry..."
(beat)
"...password's 'Dumbledore123.'"
(last chime, silence)
